A discovery within

by Anna Lederer (Germany)

I didn't expect to find Iran

I always thought of myself as a feminist. A strong-headed, emancipated, mostly self-confident, feminist. Ever since I was a small girl the female figures in my family left the biggest impression on me and became somewhat of a private study subject of mine. There's Elsbeth, a woman born in the 19th century who fought for the right for the education of women and went on to become the Head of the German Spy Department for France, Belgium and their respective colonies during WW1. Whichever side you were on, that was a nearly impossible thing back in the ages for a woman and so badass that she earned my eternal respect. Then there was Louise, my great auntie, who fell in love with a Belgian POW during WW2. She got thrown into prison in a small East-German town after they were caught mid-act but escaped a few months later and was so determined to reunite with her lover, she walked across the entire country as it was invaded from all sides. She still lives in Belgium today at a proud age of 98. There's also Marie-Luise, a woman who was so fascinated by garden architecture and the beauty of plants, she decided to go on a ten-year mission to Afghanistan in 1900, becoming the most renowned gardener of her time and publishing a monumental book that is still regarded a standard work to this date. You get the picture. These women were my personal superheroes and as you do, I likened myself one of them. It was hot in Iran. As I moved further down South and passed ancient sand-coloured aqueducts and bazaars covered in a thousand shades of beautifully designed patterns, all I could think about was the heat and humidity. The government rules required me to dress modestly, which meant wearing a headscarf, a jacket and long skirt or trousers. Having heard different accounts as to what happened to women who disrespected the local customs, ranging from little consequence all the way to torture and decapitation, I decided to skip the jacket and go for the T-Shirt, like my male brothers in Iran. Luckily, I thought, I also have the incredible fortune of owning a German passport, which counts for a lot there. Not ten minutes passed before I was stopped by the guardians of public morals, who must have been tipped off by good citizens protecting public decency in their city. In a split second I understood that they meant business. I did not argue their position once. My mind simply went blank and I heard myself apologising frantically and promising to go straight back to the hotel to change into something appropriate. Back at the hotel, reality came crushing down on me. With all due respect to my activism in Europe, but this was the first time I was facing possibly serious consequences for my actions. All of a sudden, the entire game changed. If I wasn’t protected by free speech and the right to do and dress however I like, would I speak out against injustices? Would I stand up for my rights? Would I follow my heart against social norms and widely held beliefs like my family role models? Would I live my life against all conventions because I believe in the cause so much as to risk everything and jump into the unknown? Would I? I think in that moment I realised that my answer to those questions would probably be no. A painful truth that has taken me a while to come to terms with. But you know what? It’s ok. Because I was honest with myself. Because maybe I don’t need to be as radical as my superhero family to follow my own path. Because it taught me that everyone has their own way of dealing with a certain reality in a certain environment and that’s ok. For that experience, I am eternally grateful. Only if you’re lucky enough, exploring a new place becomes a discovery within, rather than an observation of the world without. Only if you’re lucky, your identity shatters so many times that in the end there’s nothing left but your true authentic self, unapologetically.