A trip within a trip

by Juste Endriukaityte (Netherlands)

A leap into the unknown Thailand


Wrapped in toned grey blankets of fear, endless waterfalls pouring down my round shaped face, I stepped onto the plane. Little did I know this was the beginning of an endless wave, which will lead the way into myself again. Every particle in me felt the upcoming change I wasn't open to receive at that time frame. Craving for cancellations to appear, yearning for all my sorrows to disappear. Travelling to paradise, how in the world can I feel so doleful? Safety within myself, I hadn't found that yet. Guarded by souls with the same purpose had to feel secure, I insisted to believe. Trusting a group of strangers seemed safer than trusting myself, therefor the decision was made indisputably. Flight after innumerable inner fights, being seduced by hardships, tumbling and falling every airport I'd arrived. It seemed like the universe was throwing all it had to forcefully make me turn around, give into the terror of my own mind. Forces from above made me push through, regardless of being held back by immigration and security. After what was supposed to be thirty six, but turned into forty two dreadful hours, I'd ultimately arrived in Koh Phangan. A deserted island full of hidden gems, the astonishing beauty of Mother Earth revealing itself at every corner of the eye. My physical self had arrived, however my senses had gone so dormant, I couldn't comprehend. Therefor the soles of my feet hadn't sunken into this new reality. Fear was the thing that ruled me all through out my existence. It made me comfortable. I was kept at a level I was used subsisting at. There I was, accompanied by my outrageously sized luggage, the only trace of home I had left. I stepped off the ferry, gazed into the distance... Here I am. Met all the welcoming souls which were apart of this South Asian ride. It had to feel like family right? No matter how welcoming and kind they were, I couldn't help but feel this pit within myself. After engaging with them and feeling a part of the collective for the first time, it was so surreal. I've never felt that from the normality I departed from. This is it! - I thought. The acceptance, the comfortability, all of which I was looking for was a single touch away, yet I couldn't neglect the feeling of desolation. When I glanced inside, nothing had changed. That same night, after jittery hours of displace, I wheeled into a blackout. From fifth September two thousand nineteen until the very last month's date, my soul's vocaliziation had gone into a hibernation. Every step of the way, seeing with my two eyes, however nothing sinking in. Detecting the sensations, however nothing that resonated with me. See i was credulous on my environment, primitively believing this was the occurrence I was meant to encounter. Minutes when my soul was screaming turned into days, hours when my ego was relishing felt shorter than milli second on the clock when watching a stimulating bicycle race. At moments of stillness, calamity threw itself into my being brutally. Looking back on it, I knew this was an odyssey which wouldn't start until I faced myself. Bare, uncomfortable, frightened. No matter how grateful I was to receive this gift of meeting souls, I knew this wasn't going to unravel me and make my smile so candid, like a two year old. Waking up and seeing the world in brightest, most vivid colours, just because, existing and observing was enough. I kept on pushing through my blackout, thinking it was a necessary lesson towards becoming strong. When at the end of the day all I needed to do, was to free myself, to let go. Obstacles came breaking into my corner bungalow, which till that day I did not consider as my home. I suffered and I drowned, with an occasional laughter which made it seem like it was all flowery. Until I was handed into the arms of the unknown, who slapped me - and left me on this island, all alone. My one month long family was gone. The comfort and the safety who I had built on - had disappeared into the next destination, leaving me without a penny, excluded from all that I'd counted on. Break down was about to kick in, until that last moment when I caught myself and thought. What if I did it all alone? I felt compelled to rent a scooter at that pinpoint. Rides across the rollercoasters created by earth, so steep my heart would've exploded. Foremost of fear, shortly realising it was the purest ecstasy I was looking for so long. I drove and drove, I shed so many joyful tears, and laughter, for all that I was supposedly scared of. I started talking to the lizards, whom I tried to avoid with pepper spray. Now, I was listening to their bed night songs. The connectedness within my soul. My heart grew fonder, bigger overnight, just by letting go. The blackout was over. It took me a month to witness the undreamed truth, a thousand miles from all i'd known, that in the midst of fear I would have found my home. The warmth felt tender, the wind enlightening. My feet felt steady. My conscious, aroused, like it had never been before. My trip was only starting to unknot. Are you curious to know, how it all went from that point onward? Take my hand, we'll take a leap into the unknown. Around this magical place on earth, which I, with confidence, can call my true home.