A window on my fears

by Michela Lembo (Italy)

I didn't expect to find Portugal

On a hot day at the end of August, in a white room, I was trying to find myself and a window. My first room on my first day of my first long experience abroad had no window, and I was scared. Then, among green hills, long rivers, and breath-taking landscapes I found a white door. I opened it and, climbing the stairs, I could smell the codfish. The stale air and the humidity made me feel happy. I looked at the wooden windows and I understood I would be cold there. It was true. It was cold in Rua Luis de Camões. My small room on the second floor had a small window which helped me to breath when I couldn't. Through that window I could see all the Portuguese roofs, that when it rains are like a brown sea which is never calm. Portuguese hills are like big waves and we all look like windsurfers. Sometimes, the wind from the ocean makes Portugal so detestable, but then there is the sun. The sun in Portugal seems different. It is always there, even if it's cloudy. It doesn't want to leave and at sunset it is so red that it is possible to see all the vivid colours of the 'azulejos', and the streets full of young people singing are full of energy. At sunset, Coimbra seemed about to begin a new day, which was the Portuguese nightlife. People in Portugal are very excited at night, and I felt so free when I went out there. Coimbra, with its churches and its freshmen with soda cans, was for me a meeting between fears and freedom. I loved seeing the world from my window, but at the same time I didn't like to be there for so long. So, I fought my fears, my anxiety, my low self-esteem, and I went out to finally discover the entire world outside and inside of me. I took the beautiful buses with drawings on the outside, I ate Portuguese 'pasteis' every single day, I drank beer and I opened and closed so many wooden doors to finally find myself. I found myself in the tea houses, in the vintage bookstores, in some corner while crying due to stress, in the 'republicas' during the weekends. I think I found myself especially while I was waiting for the bus, which was not as boring as in the rest of the world. Waiting for the bus in Coimbra was like a ritual for me. I felt so strong that I could decide if I would let my fears stand over me or I would let them go forever. Every single person I met showed me a new language and a new perception of the world. I had to understand new words and I was fascinated by the untranslatable words. I realized that people are not strange, they are not illogical, they are not stupid. What they do is coherent because for them it is completely normal. I tried to give people every single part of me. I shared my feelings with them, and I didn't feel judged. Coimbra doesn't judge anyone either, and when I left it to go around Portugal, it didn't leave me. The rocks and the beaches of Lisbon were for me a deep breath I needed to move forward. The chaotic Porto was my opportunity to change my previous ideas and express them. The colours and the food of Aveiro, Braga, Fatima and other cities in Portugal helped me to appreciate the rain and the wind. It was a sunday morning when I realized I was almost to leave the house I hated and loved the most. That day I realized I won, because I did not expect to find a window, the window through which I could see the intimacy of the world, the window that helped me to take the sun. That window did not break with the hurricane and I was safe with it. I did not expect to find the window that helped me to find myself, my worth, my energy, and my place in the world.