The Netherlands: home of Totaal Voetbal. Kruyff, Bergkamp and van Nistelroy. Having had the pleasure of Dutch hospitality for the past 6 months, I’ve rather conveniently discovered an organic way to part-take in Dutch culture is indeed through our mutual national passion. From the giants of PSV, Feyernoord and Ajax to Pardew’s ADO Den Haag and part-timer’s SV Spakenburg, I’ve certainly seen a wide range of footballing ability. However, a slave to routine back home (a visit the shop where I purchase nothing, enjoy some curry sauce and chips, watch players warm up by hitting balls into row Z, etc.), what has in fact struck me the most has not been the football per se - total voetbal or not - but the differences hidden within the Dutch experience. Firstly, the crowd. More specifically: its diversity and chanting culture. I’ve tended to sit amongst family stands for the higher demand games, where in England my personal experience of such sections has been of them being a bit less chanty or sweary, but by and large the same (unless its Craven Cottage, where it means “empty”). In the Netherlands, it really means family: my anecdotal experience suggests a third to half of attendees are women. Entire football families are in attendance, from kids to 90-year-old couples. Most memorably, in Alkmaar I was amid a row of exclusively elderly patrons, where a sudden Mexican wave might have posed a genuine health hazard. Moving onto the chanting. One of the most spine-tingling sensations back home is when the entire crowd harmonise (using “harmonise” liberally) from all corners of the ground. This is especially true if you’re thrashing the local rivals. Although barely an hour’s flight away, the Dutch have instead evolved a distinctly continental “ultras” culture, which typically means a smaller section incessantly singing and jumping like a wobbling mass of human jelly throughout- with little regard for the action on the pitch - whilst the rest generally stay quiet and attentively watch the game. I think I prefer the former, although that being said a nice touch was that the Dutch even sometimes chant in English (“Let’s Make Some F***ng Noise”; “Waalwijck Till I Die”). Secondly, the technology set up is… different. One clear improvement from England can learn from is that Dutch stadiums generally offer free (and working) WiFi, which is vastly superior to being stuck in a signal jam when thousands of fans attempt to check the half-time scores. 1-0 Netherlands. However, I think the jury is out on their musical choices. English stadiums specialise in pre-game crowd classics such as You’ll Never Walk Alone, White Stripes anthems, or even quirky hits, such as the unmistakable Liquidator. In the Netherlands, all stadiums instead aggressively pump out Dutch EDM, which certainly is a bit harder to sing along to but I suppose rousing nonetheless. Perhaps it’s inevitable when local music talents include Armen van Buren and Martin Garrix, rather than Black Sabbath or the Stone Roses. Yet there are pearls amongst the generic dance beats: being serenaded by a Sweet Caroline with a full suite of Dutch lyrics (replacing Sweet Caroline with “Ooh Feyernoord”) was a delightfully paradoxical experience of being both totally foreign and wholly familiar at the same time. Finally, the post-game. Firstly, it comes around a bit quicker – many games I’ve seen don’t bother with any additional time at all the end of the first half. No token minutes here or there. Superb stuff. Even better, every game I’ve seen has been followed by the home team walking circuiting the ground punting balls to the baying fans who have stuck around to cheer them on, even if the wake of a defeat. Approximately 20 free footballs to lucky fans: certainly a kind gesture, especially if you have braved finger numbing winter conditions for two hours. Overall, I couldn’t recommend Dutch football highly enough. Even my girlfriend enjoyed an evening at sub-zero, amid waving flags and eating satay skewers (another nice Dutch touch). Whilst by no means offering a Freudian analysis of Dutch culture, it provides a marvellous an insight into the Dutch psyche - 90 minutes at a time - with hopefully some total voetbal goals to boot.