Finding myself

by Ivelina Ivanova (Belgium)

I didn't expect to find Belgium

I love the bad weather, the rain, the snow and the thunders. Maybe because they correspond with my life, or the fact that I'm born in December. My life was a big mess, I was alone on the streets with two kids, didn't have a job nor money and lived mostly without any dreams. I quit believing in myself when i was young, around the age of sixteen. At the age of seventeen, I stopped thinking about myself and started to think about what my previous lovers wanted and liked the most. I began to give up on my dreams and career. My daughter's father didn't support me with writing, because in his mind, that wasn't the right way to put bread on the table and have a bright future. In the start of our relationship, before i gave birth to my first daughter, I started writing a novel. I kept it a secret from him, because I knew he didn't like it. I was so close to finishing it, until one day, he got home from work and found it. He tore it apart into pieces and threw it away. He told me I had ''way too much spare time''. This incident put a "STOP sign" right before me and made me give up on writing, once again. During the first couple of days in Belgium, I only stayed home, right beside my window, staring out in the sky, watching as the hail filled up the ground with white balls. It looked like snow, but more beautiful in my head. I, once again, lost a person I would've given my life for. I tried solving the problems between us, between me and the man that was mocking me, but I slowly began to realize that, that's not what I wanted. I didn't want the person on the other side to be mocking me for my feelings. I started going out. People smiling at me for no reason here and there. Something that, when you're feeling low, brightens up your mood and "lifts you up". I then came to the realization that life is beautiful. The people around me are happy, and I can be too. Ghent is a beautiful city. The bad weather makes it look like an 80s movie, beautiful, calm and boring at the same time. One day, I went by a river. I was watching how the small waves were moving and how the ducks were swimming in sync. It was a rainy and cold day and I didn't have a hood nor an umbrella, because i like how the raindrops hit and drip down my skin. It felt as if they were cleaning up the dust inside me. It felt as if they gave me emotional powers to erase the thing i had become. I grew up in Varna, Bulgaria. Whenever i was feeling down, I went to the beach to clear up my mind and listen to the waves as they were hitting and flowing through my feet, so I could get the powers of the water inside me. By some miracle, it has always worked for me. It's as if the water had a hidden power in it that was not only able to clean us up from the outside but also clean us up from the inside. It was then that I realized what I had to do. I stood up and ran as fast as I could back home. When I got home, I instantly started writing. I had forgotten how writing felt and what it was, yet I really loved doing it. I started thinking about myself and what I actually wanted and what I loved. I started looking for myself and I ended up finding me. The things I went through and realized during my residence in Belgium compared to my thoughts inside my head, made me love myself again. I love writing, I love singing, although I can't sing. Even if the novel I wrote doesn't get any attention, I will never give up on my dreams, because of anyone, ever again. After everything, after the dark storm I went through, I ended up finding myself.