going far within

by Marcella Gusman (Brazil)

I didn't expect to find Panama

Enthusiasm, ansiety, excitement and jitters. That would be my first time travelling alone. After a lot of planning and some mishaps along the way, this was happening and the mixed fellings barely let me think of anything else. While some praised my courage, others looked at me with worried eyes. After all, being a woman has never been easy. We are afraid to walk alone on the street at night, or we stop wearing the short clothes we like to avoid reactions from men on the streets. What would it be like to face a 30-day trip in third world countries? Bags packed, confidence levels up. Time to go. 3 planes, that is, 3 takeoffs, I hate that part. First destination is not very interesting, let's skip to the second. I get off the plane, fourth so far, spend the night at a hostel in the city. The other day I wake up at 5 am to hit the road. Damn, I forgot my headphone. I listen to the Panamanian radio for 3 hours. The couple does not stop kissing in the back seat. Oh God, someone gets me out of here. The curves make me sick. We arrived at the port, closed weather, storm on the way, the destination is a small island in the Atlantic, controlled by native indians. In the island, even without sun, everything is so beautiful. Small huts, sandy floors, without running water and electricity. These people live like that, it's fantastic! I could live like this. I could drop my closet full of clothes at home, drop my stressful job and live in the peace of this place. I'm glad I came. Antoni is the head of the local family, that island is their property. He approaches me because I'm the only one without company, we talk for a while and he invites me to dinner with them that night. I feel flattered. At dinner are some people from his family as well as another Brazilian who he said he would introduce me to earlier, because his story is similar to mine. We talked, ate, drank and laughed into the night. The sky is so starry here, without all that city lights and pollution. I hear the sound of the waves coming and going slowly, I feel the fine grains of sand between my toes. I feel a shiver, but it's not cold, it's happiness to finally be at peace. No thought crosses my mind, no concern for what is beyond. It is easy to meditate in such a place. The next day we have a tour. The boat goes towards the high seas until it stops in the middle of nowhere and we are asked to get off. What? I look down, it is shallow and has dozens of starfish. Amazing. Then we continue to another island where there was a shipwreck and we can swim and snorkel in the sunken boat. On the way back to our island it is still light and dinner is not ready, so I sit on the beach to read a little. He comes to me in thoughts, he was supposed to be here. I push thoughts away. The days pass calmly, I can't get enough of that landscape of palm trees and translucent blue sea. The huge shoal that played between my legs at the end of the day and the When was time to say goodbye, my heart squeezes, I could stay a month here. I say goodbye to the residents, I meet the old lady who sold me her embroidery, she was so shy when we met. It became more difficult because we do not speak the same language but I say that I will hang your art in my room, and it is still here today. She looks at me with sweet eyes and I hug her. I am so happy. This place in just a few days has changed so much within me. After that I gave up many frivolities and I never felt sad again when thinking about him.