Grandmother's grave

by Luke Strathie (United Kingdom (Great Britain))

I didn't expect to find United Kingdom

I once thought I had everything fixed in my mind, that my childhood dream of being an actor was all I needed to succeed in life. But as the years of college and adult life ground upon me I had to realise that my childhood dream was just that, a dream. I finished my acting course and complained when my mum framed the certificate as while she saw it as my greatest accomplishment I saw it as three wasted years and a handful of memories I can tell at parties for years to come. I didn't love any part of my course and all those connections I thought I'd made along the way fizzled out into nothing and I understood that no one that I knew there truly cared for me. The acting life wasn't for me and I felt hollow. My dream had flown away and all the people I used to call my friends had cut all contact with me for reasons I don't know and don't want to know. With this empty void taking hold of my body I didn't know what to do but I found a strange sense of comfort in driving. The isolation of it allowed me time to reflect on things while also providing me with beautiful views of my amazing country as I aimless travelled down its many long winding roads. It changed one day however as I was compelled to stop on one of journeys as I passed by my grandmother's grave. She had passed just the summer before and I hadn't visited her as often as I should with me even forgetting she was buried near the locations I had found myself in. It was 10:30pm and I tried to rationales it in my mind that it'd be stupid to go in at this time but I drove in anyway and pulled up in front of her tombstone that she shared with her parents, the great grandparents I never met. I stared at the brown marble tombstone for a while before I awkwardly started talking to myself through the medium of my grandmother. I am not religious in anyway and I do not believe in heaven or hell but in that moment I understood why people do as it helps numb the pain and makes it easier to have hope. I wasn't looking for hope though as I was looking for some guidance and my gran afforded me that as I talked on and on to her stagnant and unflinching grave. I knew she couldn't her me and I knew she wasn't there but it felt good just to talk it out with someone even though that someone wasn't really present. I talked all my stupid 20 year old crisis issues out with her and it felt good as it allowed me that ability to release it all instead of letting it bubble away inside me like I'd done before in the car. I'd aired it out and once it was out in the open I realised just how easily solvable all my issues were and it was all down to my gran's ability to listen. That was a few years ago but I still reflect on it now and see how it allowed me to get perspective on my issues in ways I just couldn't do otherwise. So now anytime I have an issue or I feel hollow inside I travel to my grandmother's grave where I know she'll have a words of advice for me and a solution ready to good.