How to Escape a Meditation Retreat

by Silvia Henriquez Gerken (United States of America)

A leap into the unknown Thailand

Do you remember the time I said Dan and I were going to a silent meditation retreat for five days? Many of you were skeptical; you didn’t think we (well, mostly I) could spend five days in silence. You were right. Instead of five days, we successfully completed five hours at the retreat before escaping down a mountain in the darkness. Hour 1: Check-in We walked up a long staircase followed by a myriad of pathways to get to the meditation center. Shockingly, we arrived with plenty of time to spare before the check in time. As we walked into the front office, a young and happy monk greeted us. He directed us to our separate rooms. It is important to preface this paragraph by saying that I am a simple and low maintenance person. The floor was dusty and full of ants – no problem. The floor also had laminate that was peeling off on every side – problem. Why? Because I have a severe, untreated cockroach phobia. When I saw the laminate peeling I was convinced that roaches were hiding underneath. To fix this problem, I walked around the room stomping on the laminate to “kill” the roaches. Mission accomplished. I sat on the bed and waited until it was time for the introductory meeting. Meanwhile, Dan found his room, unpacked and took a 15-minute nap. He was enjoying his alone time. I wonder why. Hour 2: Introduction to Meditation Dan arrived back at the appointed room for the introduction ten minutes early. One by one, men and women walked in and sat. I was none of those people. It was now 2:27pm. If you missed the introduction at 2:30pm, you could not start the program until the next day. I walked in at 2:29pm. “Good afternoon,” said the Happy Monk. “Good afternoon!” I replied. Everyone else nodded. Not a minute in, and I was already talking. Hour 3: Meditation After Happy Monk finished the introduction meeting it was time to practice. The instructions were to alternate walking meditation with seated meditation, with a short break after each cycle was done. I entered the meditation room. Inside were 15 people dressed in white. Half of them sat while the other half paced up and down a long red carpet. As a psychologist, my first thought was, “I’ve entered an inpatient unit.” Despite my negative first impression I practiced. While I was trying to tell myself that this experience was unique and had the potential to teach me new skills, I also started wondering whether I really needed to do this… and why. Dan on the other hand sat down obediently and meditated until the next item on our schedule. He hoped meditation would bring him enlightenment. Hour 4: Chanting After an hour of meditation, it was time for chanting. If you’ve ever heard a room full of Buddhist monks chanting, it is magical. If you ever hear a room full of westerners trying to chant along to phonetically translated Thai to a tune that we have never heard before, it does not sound like that. I debated for the first twenty minutes whether I should chant along. Thirty minutes into the practice I had decided to leave the retreat. I sat quietly during the rest of the ceremony planning my escape. Next to me, Dan chanted along with the group. Hour 5: The Escape Once the ceremony ended I went to my room to gather my thoughts… and belongings. A lizard had welcomed himself in. A broom showed him the way out. It was after 7pm. It was dark outside. I ventured for signs of life/public transportation. After a few minutes of wandering, I heard voices. People were still around, which meant there was probably a way for me to get back down the mountain. Before arriving, Dan and I had agreed that either of us could leave at any point. We created a hand signal that meant, “I’m leaving” to cue the other that we were leaving the retreat. I unapologetically interrupted Dan’s practice with the secret signal. He tried to bargain, but I was determined to leave. He said, “Meet me back here in five minutes. Let’s go.”