I Didn't Expect to Find Myself

by Aseel Tungekar (United States of America)

I didn't expect to find Spain

My feet still ached, several weeks later, from walking over the cobblestone streets of Seville when I realized I felt, for the first time, in far too long, relaxed and genuinely happy. That feeling of internal warmth set off a period of self-reflection, something I had seldom done before. In chasing for the "why", which was always subconsciously important to me, I discovered what moments had made the trip so special and what was missing that, counter-intuitively, made it even better. Being seated outdoors under blue skies and warm sun while sipping on sangria, slowly eating varied tapas I picked essentially at random, contributed. Speaking to friendly locals, all of whom had a slightly bemused, yet understanding, look when I spoke in badly broken Spanish, had something to do with it. Stumbling on the former cigar factory, now an active college, where Carmen, an opera long on my bucket list of things to see, was set, helped. But no, thinking back, it wasn't any of that. It was the fact that I was travelling alone. I've always been hesitant to try new experiences on my own. I've been paralyzed by fear, though in fairness procrastination, more times than I care to count and that held me back from my own growth. My friend, moving back to his originating side of the Atlantic, gave me an excuse to broaden my horizons. Perhaps his invite was one of those offhand courtesies, but I impulsively booked a flight for myself to see him; at the time my partner couldn't travel. I dithered even after the tickets were booked, eventually committing since the money had been spent. Free of the shackles of playing the adult for another, corralling, organizing, and compromising my own interests in history, food, and, frankly, stumbling at random, I unashamedly did what I wanted. I had no one looking over my shoulder, no one to take care of. Doing so was contrary to most of my adulthood, I had, in honesty, co-dependently, spent it taking care of another and setting up a home, a career, and my life. I loved every minute of Seville. Being shocked when guided to the ornate tomb of Christopher Columbus, a key part of the history of my now adopted home. Snapping a picture, with just the right composition and lighting, to recreate the setting of a famous movie. Eating iberico ham and sipping a bold Spanish red, far too late at night, while conversing with fellow tourists at the adjoining table. Accidentally wandering into a cathedral's courtyard filled with orange trees, their sweet citrus scent in the air, and letting go of tension I didn't know I was carrying. Even now, thinking back, my shoulders relax. I had experienced an ideal, rejuvenating, and enriching visit on my own, set in a delightful European town steeped in history. It built my confidence, getting lost in those narrow, charming, streets. Reflecting, later, at home and at peace, was a skill I had to develop to understand what happened. I understood I had to make time for my own interests alone. I realized I had value and needed to invest in myself. Success begetting success, I took that newfound confidence into new pursuits. Interests at home like journaling, writing, hot yoga, swing dancing, or painting; striking out and actively seeking new friends and overcoming shyness; organizing get togethers of my own for internet friends; and traveling alone. That trip was the catalyst for positive change in myself. I'm, now, a strong advocate for solo experiences. I've chaperoned others on trips, setting them up for success. I cheerlead the cause when others ask, encouraging them to dip their nervous toes into flying abroad on their own trips of solitude. All thanks to Seville.