It comes in waves

by Sara Amaretti (United Kingdom (Great Britain))

Making a local connection United Kingdom

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A few days ago I travelled to the wave in Bristol . An inland wave garden for surfers (or people that want to fall over a lot ). It wasn’t the sea , but I didn’t feel like driving so far . My spirit was just tired . I needed to forget everything, and trying not to die by drowning is a great way to do that . Pulling on my wetsuit was a feat of sheer determination in itself , as was getting it off post surf with frozen hands. I was evil Spider-Man pulling off his symbiote . I belly flopped onto my 8.6 board (that’s like the length of a bus ) and paddled My bus out to the break . Halfway to the break I felt exhausted, my arms clearly not used to this kind of effort but the promise of a wave kept me going . We lined up like planes waiting to take off, and then it was my turn . I fell into the icy water and it was at that moment , that everything disappeared . All of my sadness, worry ,anger ...oxygen... was replaced by one long internally monologued “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck”. . For me , the sea has done more than any medicine or talk therapy . So.. A few days ago I travelled to the wave in Bristol . An inland wave garden for surfers (or people that want to fall a lot ). It wasn’t the sea , but I didn’t feel like driving so far . My spirit was just tired . I needed to forget everything, and trying not to die by drowning is a great way to do that . Pulling on my wetsuit was a feat of sheer determination in itself as was Getting it off post surf with frozen hands like evil Spider-Man pulling off his symbiote . I belly flopped onto my 8.6 board (that’s like the length of a bus ) and paddled out to the break . The break is at the apex of the wave garden , and it’s where the waves are generated by a large cylindrical metal drum. Halfway to the break I felt exhausted, my arms clearly not used to this kind of effort but the promise of a wave kept me going . We lined up like planes waiting to take off, and then it was my turn . Crashing and burning spectacularly, I fell into the icy water and it was at that moment , that everything disappeared . All of my sadness, every day worry ..oxygen... was replaced by one long internally monologued “fuuuuuuuudge!” I couldn’t breathe, I was under the water being rolled by a powerful wave that I had no control over . I didn’t know which way was up to even know how to start trying for the surface . You can struggle against it , but you’ll lose . You can’t be going picking fights with the power of the ocean and expect to win. Grief is like this . Grief is the ocean doing what it does , and you are there for the ride . Fight it , and you’ll exhaust yourself . Relax , and you’ll eventually resurface . I broke the surface and tried to gasp for air but my body was in shock from the cold and wouldn’t let me inhale . Suddenly everything I worry about on a daily basis , was simmered down to just the simplicity of breath . When I finally gasped that first mouthful of air in , I felt an immense sense of gratitude for just being able to breathe. The significance of everything else , : how will I pay my bills? , what will everyone think of me ? Am I good enough ? Will this sadness ever pass ? Am I a good mother ? ... paled in comparison to the ability to just breathe. This is the currency we can’t live without .