King Of Clubs

by raya qaraeen (Jordan)

I didn't expect to find Indonesia

I googled and YouTube thousands of videos about finding your life purpose, your mission or your eternal passion, call it whatever you want. I started wondering if it’s just me hitting 30 in a month with no clue on what’s my life purpose is all about not even a hint of what it could be, or is everyone else still figuring it out like I am?! I remember this time, how I lived day by day wishing to know to feel or to get a sign. October 13th, 2018 I lost the person I was living with, I lost my grandmother and with her, I lost the meaning of what happiness feels like. I was aching and for the first time in my life, I surrendered to the forces of nature causing me to break. Admitting defeat was never an option for me. But, I broke. And just like any adult would do I decided that escaping is the answer, it’s a reactive mechanism any human tends to do when feeling trapped. No? A one-way ticket to Bali, Indonesia. Where all your troubles fade. and I must say, they did. Hint: this story has a happy ending. So I quit my job, got on a plane just like you see in movies, and found myself in paradise. The end. Haha, I wish. After my grandma’s funeral, I went back to my office job, and with the pain, I was carrying the weight became unbearable, so my healing journey started by a statement I read on a website for volunteering in Bali “the joy you find in seeing the difference you’re making in the children’s lives” and it hit me “JOY” that’s the exact emotion I need. So with my one-way ticket, I went to Bali with arms wide open, thinking my soul searching adventure begins now. Ten days into volunteering as a teacher I realized how big of a responsibility comes with this job. So I quit, but I left with a heart filled with unconditional love from these kids. The statement I read was true, in Bali finding joy is easy. And this is when the magic started to happen, the minute you stop searching and start living. I met the kindest people on this island, shared sunset and sunrise, appreciated nature, swam butt naked in the ocean. With time wounds starts healing. I never knew I was trapped until the moment I was free. One beachy day, I was out with my girlfriend when all of a sudden we hear two people speaking Arabic a lady and a man, which is my native language so I automatically smiled. I started talking with the gentleman and away from any judgments, I saw the purity of this man’s heart, which in real life he’s not allowed to show, he was a man of power back home with a toxic social circle he’s forever obliged to be prisoned to. His life had a script, that was written by everyone else’s and he was acting accordingly. When looking closely into him, you see a child lusting to be heard and understood. And this is when it hit me, I found the answer I was longing for. This man is me, he’s searching for what I was looking for, I can see it now because I am true to myself, therefore, I am true to others. So moral of my story is, joy isn't the result or your successful accomplishment, it’s the process that got you there, it’s the conversations you had, the destinations you visited. It's the amazing physical encounter you shared, the first kiss, the sweat on that treadmill, the salty hair, the tanned body, it's definitely the smile you had at your face when he left with his shirt in his pocket and the last hug you gave him from the back looking at his tattoo, lusting for this feeling to happen again. Greatness is self-love, and Joy is an emotion that is not constant but will frequently happen, only if you open your heart as I did to the man with the king of clubs tattoo. This is my story for when strangers awakened my soul.