Long white clouds

by Leonore Winkler (Germany)

I didn't expect to find New Zealand

Aotearoa – land of the long white clouds. It was long white clouds that the girl saw first when she stepped out of the airplane and right into her adventure. She was young, pale and had a sense of innocence around her that made people turn their heads when seeing this girl, traveling by herself with a backpack almost the size of her body. But she was determined, she felt strong and ready to dive into the unknown. She started her journey of six months driving around in an old car, the steering wheel gripped tightly and a song stuck in her head. “Take me where the wheels take me, far away… “. The wheels took her along the shore, the smell of the sea always passing through her rolled down windows, getting caught in her hair and remaining there until she found a place to shower days later. She drove through mountains covered in snow, past thundering waterfalls and dry creek beds. Amidst a beautiful landscape of hills covered in a grass so green she thought it to be unreal, she met the first man who shattered her beliefs. He was a tall, strong men known to many people in the country. He was popular, a person that was brilliant at small talk and even better at fooling people into liking him. She was one of the people who fell for that, too. She stayed at his house, helping with his horses, working in exchange for a bed to sleep in and a warm meal at night. She fell in love with the scenery, the country, the language and eventually the man that he pretended to be. He kissed her. She liked it. He brought her into his room, laid her down on the old sheets that smelled like sweat and dirt. She froze. She had enjoyed his company, but she had heard of the risks of traveling alone. Nevertheless, she couldn’t imagine that in a country so beautiful and admired by so many people, terrible things could happen. And yet they did, presenting themselves in the shape of a grunting, groaning man, suddenly gone deaf to the sound of the words “stop” and “no” and to cries of terror and pain. Days later, she found herself in a clinic, examined by a nurse with a soft voice and gentle movements. “Oh honey”, she said, a sad smile resting on her lips, “I’m so sorry.” She sat down and told the girl about the estimated number of reported and unreported cases, about topics nobody dared to talk about in a country with a reputation so high, people wouldn’t believe the truth anyways. She told her about sexual violence and domestic violence and about the problems New Zealand was facing concerning the prevention and after care of sexual assault cases. The woman shook her head in disbelief while sharing her pain with the girl. With tears in her eyes she said goodbye and the girl walked away, back to her car, slammed the door and rested her head on the steering wheel. The warm air of this summer evening soothed her, let her focus return to a steady breath and a clearer mind. She had to make a decision, right here, in this very moment. She lifted her head up again, looked into the rear mirror and saw the green hills, calm and steady, bright green grass. She looked through the glass windshield, the sign of the Sexual Health Clinic barely noticeable against the dark facade of the building. She then took a deep breath and started the car. With the sound of the roaring engine, she gazed at the rear mirror one more time, examining the features of her own face. Her pale, white skin had turned into a caramel brown colour from the weeks on the road, her hair bleached by the sun. Unhesitant blue eyes stared back at her. She survived. She was alive. She was strong and eager to not let this define the wandering soul she found herself to be. She - was me. I did not expect to find myself among the long white clouds – but I did.