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I'm sweating my butt off and the group of girls around me have just eaten an assortment of bugs - from cockroaches to silk worms. This is our final day in the city of Chiang Mai before heading to the elephant sanctuary. I didn't expect myself to be in this position: uncertain. I came on this trip to work with animals and gain experience in the veterinary field before potentially continuing with my education, and yet, the first day here I found myself thinking, "I do not want this". What an absolute relief knowing I wouldn't have to pursue the sciences for another 6+ years. What a weight off my shoulders finally admitting to myself that this was not the right thing to do. And yet, I was uncertain. Scared. Alone. So many feelings of failure and doubt flowing through my veins - but in a strange and confusing way - I was euphoric. The opportunity to do whatever I want in life hit me like the heat emitting from the concrete streets of Thailand; hot and sticky. I could do anything. Be anyone. Be happy. And wasn't that the goal of life anyway, to be truly happy with yourself? For once I could no longer hear the voices of my family screaming in my head: "don't fuck this up", "don't be a failure", "when are you going to grow up?!". As strange as it sounds, all I felt was relief knowing that my lifelong dream was actually NOT going to happen. The pressure was finally off and I was standing on the edge of the abyss looking down into the void, the unknown. All I had to do was jump. But I couldn't. What would I do now? When would I choose a career for myself and start behaving like an adult? These thoughts and more coursed through my mind, my families voices picking up volume once again, and I felt a weight begin to drop itself on my shoulders, new but familiar. But I couldn't save these thoughts. The elephant sanctuary exhausted and peeled a layer off of me. Shoveling feces every day for hours in the hot, Thailand sun forces you to not think, to just do. The week was a blur of frustrated tears and hard work and as we board the plane taking us to the island, I did the most insane thing imaginable. I closed my eyes and forced myself to jump. I'm sitting on the beach in Koh Tao. This is our final week here and all I've done is eat, drink smoothies, and scuba dive every day. The sun hugs my soul and the ocean engulfs me with a love I have only ever dreamed of. I am happy. I am at peace with myself. I do not know what I will do once I am back home, all I know is that I am finally off the battlefield of my own insecurities and fears. Away from the ambush of thoughts and apprehension. A local man sits beside me with a guitar - I have only ever sung in the shower - but for some reason, I begin to sing as he strums the chords. Our music lifts off the beach, off the island, and into the universe. It fills my soul with love and a sense of calm. How scared we human beings are of change, of the unknown. We're scared to take a chance even though our current situation has us feeling miserable and alone. But this is the purpose of life: to change. Just as the leaves change every fall, we must shed the lives we once lived and begin a new, to something different, to something better.