Mama Bangkok

by Dóra Zsupos (Hungary)

Making a local connection Thailand

I've never been outside Europe. One evening in mid December we were sitting in the comfort of our bed-wardrobe-table sublet in London and my partner popped the question (no, another one...): - “What if we step off for few weeks to South-East-Asia?”- he asked. That's what every travel-geek girl wants to hear, right? Certainly, the sense of reality disappears, responsible future planning or material consideration no longer exists and only one question remains: where do we book the tickets? We are ringing on the Chao Phraya River and window shopping the city around us. Unrivalled architectural wonders floating in the light, green lush plants, golden peaks clinging to the sun. I am a newborn now and Mama Bangkok is unashamedly breastfeeding me. When my neck is getting tired of staring upwards, I start to scan the sides of the canal. I watched documentaries on Nat Geo and Discovery and built a picture based on I’ve seen but when it comes to discovering it on my own, expectations have nothing to do with reality anymore. Freshly laundered clothes, agricultural work tools and dirty plastic toys hanging on the mellow grids. Children sitting on the floor and playing with each other. I was gazing into the eyes of these laughing little creatures and sinking into the feeling of timelessness. They are my first bonds in this metropolis and this natural human connection affected me so deeply to think on what's next? what they will become? what will happen with them? I am looking for life perspectives. The westerner mind is spinning around: the concept of self-realization means completely different here than for us (me) and I still cannot decide if that thought makes me distressed or sets me free. Hearing them laugh at the distance and I got heavier by my thoughts. It’s rude to stare! – we teach our children from early age and therefore, we deny their possibility to explore the world around them. But luckily children are bold enough and which they have not yet seen, they start to stare without (asking permission) getting embarrassed about it. No two faces are alike, but for an Asian child, my European white female characteristics could give some reasons to observe, mainly at first time. My facial features and expressions are different here, my body image and the body language I use also can be challenging to read. Experiencing diversity at a young age is not about race or gender, but more likely about behaviour and belonging – how can I connect to what I see? Does it feel familiar or not? We exchange glances in the subway and I feel the curious eyes of both children and adults on my body as I stroll along the streets. NYC based Heidi Latsky’s integrated dance company came to my mind. Their On Display art movement is a living gallery of individuals who create a peaceful environment for observing different body images. No make ups, nail polish or fancy dresses, just their plain selves displayed fully in the present moment. I am also a moving sculpture here and acknowledging it was supported me to embrace much easier the insecurities and discomforts I’ve been sensed. To let being stared at and to holding the space for the “viewers” to approach me has also allowed me to connect more smoothly to the (wo)man in the street. As a highly sensitive person it has also taught me the importance of keeping distance while I am getting closer and closer every day, and to set my personal boundaries. These borders should not limit me, instead being the backbones of my leading principals as a responsible traveller. Although I am highly respecting local culture and customs, I need to keep my authenticity and not being ashamed because of my body. Now I am demanding time to care for myself, to see where and how can I connect here to myself, to my partner and to this alluring Woman, Bangkok. Being a cheeky newborn I want to get staring at the world through my eyes but with locals’ vision, to seek out how much I can honestly receive and embrace from all this cultural and emotional mess.