My best friend who carried my bags

by Hedsey Rowa (United States of America)

A leap into the unknown Marshall Islands

I dont Belong. Several times, suicidal thoughts visited me. I honestly havent find the anecdote and I question my existence everyday. They say family is suppose to be the most trusted people you will have in your life. They will always be there to love you and care for you. Well, here goes the story of my life: I was born Novemeber 1989 Ebeye, Marshall Islands. Two years later, I was sent to Kosrae for school with my siblings. I have two brothers and three sisters. We all stayed at our grand parent's house. Also, living in that house is our cousins, aunties, nieces, nephews, uncles. Everybody. Extented family living situation. This place is not only drama but also where my worst nightmares belong. "1 mm 2.3.4." I shouted. I was so scared. He said "keep counting louder". I kept counting louder looking at the locked door and closed curtains hoping somebody would come rescue me. My stregnth became my weakness. He knew I love going to school and get tested for my favorite subject Math. He pretended to tutor me instead he molested me. I was only 12 when he was in college. He told his brother who is a two years younger than him about me. They took turn on me everytime. It has been going on for a longtime. I honestly cant remember the time it all took place. Part of myself cant remember or will not remmber. I'd rather not remember any of it. My curfew is at 7pm. Everything should be out and quite or else somebody is going to get some good spanking. My mom's dad was not playing. He is the strictest person I met in my life. We lived by his rules and he did not like me and my siblings. If we go swim in the ocean or playing with neighbors , we get spanked. We always have to finish our chores before doing school works. I remeber that time my oldest brother head got shoved into wall so hard it was bleeding. We laughed loud one time at 8pm past our curfew. We had to form a line and get spanked. His spanking is child abuse to America. He did not go easy on any of us. We will get marks yet nobody questioned us. Because I love having good score in school. I usually waited until midnight to sneak out to the street lights two or three blocks away to read my books, do my homeworks, and practice eng. English is the third Language I have learned. I spoke it very well for a country that dont speak much english. I was always proud when I spoke to the Peace Corp Volunteers. Reading became my bestfriend. Its kind of sad because Im gay, the other kids didn't know how to play with me or befriend me. I was bullied alot and called names. School was the last place I wanted to start any troubles or getting into fights. Im always on my best behavior. Library was my the only place on the ilsand that I could breathe for thirty minutes (recess) or be in my own little zone. THE HARDY BOYS, BABYSITTERS CLUBS, GOOSEBUMPS, NANCY DREW, AND THE GEOGRAPHY BOOKS, etc. Library was the place that gave me strong imaginatiions about the outside world. Every book I read took me to a different places every single time. I have't had any specific interest in life because Im open to learning new topics. Im still undecided with my education because i get lost in the learning process. Everything interest me to a point where all is my hobby. Through the process, I learned to forgive others. I made a promise to myself to live life to fullest. Im fortunate to have survived the struggles Ive carried all these years. I will always keep my heart open and love with no fear. To some people, their trip to asia, south america, polynesia, middle east, etc was the highlight of their lives. As for me, I travel to places I never thought i would. Through my loyal friend who gave me courage and wisdom to live to the fullest, BOoks