Never lie to yourself

by Julia Kahlo (Germany)

Making a local connection Spain

“Do you also want something? Nothing will happen, if you do it once.” “I think everybody should try it out. It’s part of the experience” “Just a small line.” I take a step closer to the desk, were on of my colleagues carefully prepares 3 lines next to each other. First crumbling it a bit with his membership card of a weed club, then putting it back in one place and after that forming line after line with a care, I never seen him handle anything. “I do it sometimes but I am not addicted. Maybe I was close at some point but you can control it.” Gently you move the coke from right to left, not to lose the smallest crystal. I am observing you. I try not to look scared, even If I feel more than uncomfortable and unsettled. Maybe I want to impress you. What happens if somebody gets wind about this? Can it be traced back to me? If I touch it, will they be able to identify me afterwards? And if I take it…? I am a coward. We are in a more than broken house outside of the city of Lloret de Mar. Normally nobody finds his way accidently to or doorstep. Around us are only houses of the richer people, mostly tourists. But on the side-line is this old dive centre that we life in for this season. It belongs to the diving company we work for or rather do our training with. The first one takes a sniff and the others line up in a coordinated way, I have never experienced them. We work together, spend almost every hour of the day together. Yet this is a side I have never seen from them. 8 people and me as always the youngest and the unexperienced one. Just a line, a once in a lifetime experience. One time won’t harm anyone. Or can it harm me? But when I look at you I feel safe. You would protect me right? Never would you let something or somebody hurt me. I felt like that for a long time. A friendship, made in a situation so far from normal, which made me survive this time, while teaching me at the same time and making me feel special, like my decisions were right. No regrets. Cocaine was never a topic in my family, school or with my friends. Maybe that’s even one more reason to do it. At home I would never get into a situation like this. But is this the reason I left my home and my country for? “Do you want now or not?” There is only half a line left on the plate they used. The one we normally serve our food on. I start to see you differently now. But I don’t think it is the cocaine you just took or the fact that you took it. You put me in this situation and you do not even realize what you are doing. I turn around with a faint and forced smile on my lips. “No thank you” I whisper and decide to go to my room instead, leaving the decision and rolling eyes behind. The next morning you came to me and acted like you were proud. “Never lie to yourself” you said and then went on with your work, handing me one bottle of air after the other.