"Pee=Pee or No. 2"

by James Monroe Števko (United States of America)

I didn't expect to find India

What I didn't expect to find when I returned from my trip to India is that THIS experience would be my audiences' favorite story. “My favorite part of your trip was the toilet story!” I hear countless times. I should have known when I told that stranger on the camel safari. She laughed so hard she almost rolled down the golden sand dune. It was any like other morning in Jaisalmer, Rajasthan. I'm a morning person, up and wandering the streets scavenging for breakfast and wifi to get some work done. I go up stairs to a balcony restaurant right inside the center of the fort city. I had been to days before but they didn't accept credit cards, so that day I moved on. Today I had enough cash. The Indian woman from Mumbai sits me down after I help her pull out the plastic lawn furniture she uses in the restaurant. I'm the first customer of the day. I immediately know to order a pot of their “filter coffee”. It's been 2 ½ weeks away from home and I'm dying for my coffee machine but I order this knowing that I'll be fully let down by whatever she cooks up. “Is there a bathroom?” I ask after getting the wifi password. She pulls away slightly, her eyes widen and her face drops, “Do you have to pee-pee or number #2?” “Ummm...” feeling oddly violated, I repeat to her, “Just pee-pee.” “Ok, because if number #2 I'll make you clean it!” I laugh uncomfortably as she shows me the bathroom. When I get inside I guess I kind of understand what she means. It was a squatting toilet in the floor. Luckily, I didn't need to use it. So I do my business at the convenient urinal and return to the table. Having received my foretold, disappointing attempt at a pot of “filter coffee” I get going to work. My stomach starts rumbling and I get nervous, “DO I have to number 2...?” “Nooooo, I'm fine!” and continue working. The rumbling returns and it shows no signs of stopping. At this point I'm not sure what to do...I sit at my folding travel keyboard and like Carrie Bradshaw I ask myself, “do I tell her I have to number 2?” “No!" I causally make my way back to the bathroom, walking confidently as though I only have to pee-pee. Using the squatting toilet, my stomach was much more upset than I anticipated, but I was determined to get out of the bathroom QUICKLY as though I was only ever PEE-PEEING in there. It was difficult. My bowels, upset again from Indian food, and without toilet paper, I was left to figure out the left hand bucket system for the first time. Ten minutes later, I did my best acting work to stroll back to the table, hoping that she would believe I really did spend that time in the bathroom merely pee-peeing and primping, like I would in the powder room. “DID YOU CLEAN IT?” she screams from the kitchen. “What do you mean?” acting like a dumb American. “Did you clean it?! You went number 2! You have to clean it!” There was no denying. She KNEW I went poo-poo. She rolls her eyes, completely exasperated and drops her spatula. Marching me back to the bathroom she looks at the porcelain floor throne and said “Ugh! I can't use that! You have to clean it! I told you!” I see the brush next to the hole and immediately know what to do.... Sitting back down, feeling shamed and confused, I pick up my phone and tell my Instagram world what had just happened. “You see, travel isn't all bright lights and lollipops...” Unfortunately, it turns out that my “toilet story” is the one that left the strongest impression on my audience. One, it seems, that they will never let me live down. For something that should have been left behind, I didn't expect to find that “pee pee or number 2” would be the defining moment of my dream trip; three weeks in India.