Pursuit of happiness

by Anna Malysa (Denmark)

I didn't expect to find Myanmar

The older I get, the more I struggle. I struggle with figuring out life, fulfilling mine and my family's expectations and I struggle because I'm simply scared. See, when I was 7 I thought I would have everything fixed and planned by now. I thought I'd have an apartment, a steady job, a kid or at least a boyfriend. What do I have instead? I have a little bit of savings so I can not work for 2-3 months, I have a raising student loan but more importantly, I have countless memories from dozens of different places I've been to. How did I get to this point? I have spent the past few months on a student exchange in Thailand. I loved every second of it, especially coming from Europe, South East Asia was a paradise. Being on a student exchange is definitely one of the most amazing experiences one can have while enrolled in the university but it gets hectic. The same goes for living in paradise. After some time, I noticed I barely spend time on my own and I never listen to myself. There is always something happening and the FOMO is too big. On top of that, living in a student dorm doesn't give much privacy. I was at the point of my life when I thought "what the hell am I doing with my life?". I'm already 26 and I should figure my life out instead of having fun. I felt guilty just because I was different. I saw my friends, getting married, getting promoted or having children. And I? I was having fun in Thailand and absolutely no plan what I'm gonna do when I'm back at home. I even quit my job before coming to Thailand and I was just terrified and felt constant guilt. When I booked my tickets, I intentionally planned to stay two additional months in South East Asia to travel a bit. At the end of my semester, I was annoyed I did this. I just wanted to go home and get my "normal" life back. Thailand thought me quite clearly that as much as I like traveling and enjoying beautiful places, I hate places full of tourists. Therefore, I struggled with where should I go for my holidays. Looking at the map, the choice was quite obvious to me. I was gonna go to Myanmar. I know so many people who travel, yet not many people have been there. Myanmar seemed to be still undiscovered and pristine. Shortly after that, I remembered about this meditation technique called vipassana. It turned out that Myanmar is known for having many meditation centers. Right after arrival, with no plan or booking, I went to one of those meditation centers. Honestly, I couldn't even sit still for 10 minutes and I signed up for 10 days silent meditation. At first, I was curious, everything was new and even though I couldn't talk, I was just really excited to be there. Unlike the second, third and fourth day. Who would expect meditation can be actually exhausting? 14 hours of meditation and I was falling asleep when sitting. On top of that, I was in such a pain after trying to keep one posture. I was devastated. I came there for some answers, I came there to reconnect with myself and to become stronger. What did I get instead? A massive back and hip pain and absolutely no idea what is happening. Then finally, after the fifth day, I noticed a change. I actually felt different. I wasn't all over the place anymore. Instead, I was focused, I was present and, funny enough, but I felt alive. This was the first time I could actually feel all of the senses and tastes. I finally was doing something for myself and I put myself first. It felt incredible to be fully aware of my own body and I kept asking myself how could I not feel myself for 26 years?! After that day, the time flew by and I realized that I all this time I was looking for happiness that was already within me.