Solace

by Shona Moran (Ireland)

I didn't expect to find Japan

They don’t know I’m here. Well, I don’t suspect they do. They didn’t want to come but my wife reluctantly booked a break away for the kids. They are gloomy. I can sense an unease. They eat their dinner in silence on the restaurant terrace. The beauty of the warm sunset glow reflecting off my wife’s left check bone, right down through her collar bone, over to the edge of her shoulder. She was always a natural beauty. She was the perfect mother for my children. I love her. The sound of the waves clashing, and the murmur of the other diners are the only sound to be heard. It’s peaceful. I leave and rest for the night. I don’t get tired anymore, but I do tire of being absent. It’s hard. When I return the next afternoon, there has been a shift in the mood. The air is lighter and their smiles brighter. I can’t help but feel a pang of pain, a pang of guilt. They are adventurous souls. We always had been. We travelled and travelled since the kids were born. Almost fourteen years ago. It was easy with one, but when Ada came along two years later, it was chaos. Beautiful chaos. Our eldest Kay struggled the most when I left. I wish it could have been different. They moved back home to be near my wife’s family and started again. A new life. One with structure and boundaries. One they had never known. This is our first time here. It’s a quiet island. An island that does not carry pain or hurt. An island that will cleanse the soul. An island that is here to save my family. My wife always knew exactly what to do. Hindsight is bliss. My wife brings the kids through the forest, through miles and miles of green, and wild animals that are oblivious to the disruption. They take their time and take it all in around them. My heart is warm and I smile. They are so happy out here, they are so free. For a few hours they are consumed with natural beauty. They stop to lay out in the sun and eat. They bathe in the Hirauchi Kaichu Onsen and laugh and laugh. It’s magical. I ponder fondly over all of my memories. I never really lived until I met my wife. She started a fire in me that never quenched. It keeps on burning. To my kids, I felt a love I never knew existed. They changed me. I wonder if they think of me as much as I think of them. I wish it could be different. I thought it was my family who needed this time to heal, but it was me. I needed to see them alight again with curiosity. I needed to know I would not always bore pain in their hearts and put tears in their eyes. I needed to know they would continue to wash away their worries with the tides of the most mysterious seas and feed their hunger with the most eager of mouths again. I needed to see them let people back into their lives. As hard as it was, I needed my wife to find happiness again. Adventure brought me to life, and adventure took me away. It’s bitter sweet but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I didn’t expect to find solace on this journey, but now I’m content. I can let go. On to my next adventure. A journey with the other Angels. I will always watch over you, my loves.