Surrender

by Irina Miteva (Bulgaria)

A leap into the unknown Canary Islands

Surrender I am writing those words three days after my grandmother passed away. I am feeling tired in my bones and with a lot of resistance in my mind. However, I also feel very excited because I can sense something extraordinary just round the corner. I need to surrender and offer gratitude for the darkness of death. This was the recommendation of my friend. A few years ago, I worked as an English language assistant in three primary schools in Gran Canaria. I remember I met Ále on the beach next to my house in Playa de Arinaga, Gran Canaria. I saw him enjoying the sun and his skin was sparkling from the ocean drops. In the next day, I went swimming and he came too. I felt the bottom was too rocky and I wanted a place with soft sand where my feet could touch the ground and enjoy the cool water. I saw him approaching me and asked in my broken Spanish: "Excuse me, how is the bottom by your side over there? Are there any rocks?". "No, come and feel it yourself."-he said. Within a few minutes, we were walking by the shore. We talked a lot about life just as we do now, you and me. He speaks perfect English, loves writing stories, dreams to be a professional photographer and feels through his voice. He took a picture of the ice-cream drops on my knee. Then we went home and he kissed me. I surrendered. I felt deeply myself and at the same time journeying towards myself. This person gave me the most powerful sexual experience, I have ever had before. We pushed each other's boundaries every day we met. We became lovers in beautiful spaces, inside our imagination and outside in reality. We broke the rules. We risked everything. We unleashed our wild nature. We caught the bull by its horns. Our experience is sacred. The museum saw that the school principal saw that, the tiny street saw that, the lantern saw that and the stars saw that. I lost myself with him, surrendering to pleasure, I haven't felt before. This was the pleasure of letting go and feeling safe in my process of being and becoming myself. So did Ále. He believed his masculine and feminine essence were separate and couldn't imagine having a male and a female partner at the same time. He wanted to try being homosexual. Ále went to Berlin. When we split, I felt our hearts connecting and my body full of energy, calm, warm, light, with an inner smile. I knew we are as we are forever and felt safe. Within a few days, I met another lover and I understood how much I loved Ále. My desire was to be with him but I also felt incredible fear and shame because I wanted variety in our relationship. Yet, I couldn't imagine having more than one lover at the same time. I told Ále how much I loved him but he said he didn't feel what I was feeling. I felt very sad. Depression set in. I was desperate on an island, believed to be the happiest place in the world. I was lucky to have my friends. Ále came back for Christmas. We met at my home, kissed our hands and said goodbye to each other. I remember our conversation after a moment of uneasy silence in our throats: "Do you want to break up? Yes. No. I don't know. Yes." I spiralled down through this feeling of dis-ease to find myself here today. I still communicate with my friends in Gran Canaria. No one knows what happened to Ále. It is incredible to remember the moment when our bodies surrendered to each other. There was soft darkness where we could rest and be embraced. After that, we brought each other into light. It seems somewhat similar to death and rebirth. I am giving my gratitude for this experience. It has always been within the power of our imagination. We may be different people now but everything has already been seen. Let's rest in that.