The region of comparisons

by Stoyka Dankova (Bulgaria)

I didn't expect to find Bulgaria

The region of comparisons Where no one counts the glasses of wine and the lack of sense of humor is NOT tolerated The road to the city was closed, but like most absurdities in Bulgaria, there was no actual restriction for going there. Workers were breaking up old asphalt with the same "diligence", as a carnivore would peel an egg, and signposts for the speed limit, indicating the more dangerous sections of the route, was "lying" in the nearby ditches like wounded warriors. Basically, the public “order” in our state is hibernating through all the seasons, and the most understandable thing on Bulgarian territory is that, the incomprehensible blooms in full strength. About 40 minutes later, Melnik came into our sight - sand castles with pointed hats as if stolen from the Weasley family, and an atmosphere in which time got tired of working (just like the road workers) and decided to lie down and get some sun without rushing any of the inhabitants (there were 200 of them). I've loved the city ever since I was little and although it was small as if in a matchbox, it was more attractive than any glamorous European capital that had the guise of a better future. The town of Melnik was like a charming, mischievous prince, left without parents too small, but privileged not to grow old. Surrounded and guarded by steep sand pyramids, it hid barrels of sparkling wine locked within its hills, to which no one could remain indifferent. We checked into a hotel and headed for one of the 12 wineries in the region that we were supposed to visit over the weekend. I couldn't imagine a better way to celebrate St. Valentine’s day. We unloaded our luggage and chose our first destination – Winery “Zlaten Rozhen”. We stopped at one of the junctions to ask for directions because, even though we are millennials, in Pirin Macedonia even GPSs would have us running around like headless chickens. Two children were playing in the sand piled up from the repair work on the road. It appeared they were building a highway. “It’ll have two lanes”, said the boy. “Would that be enough?” asked the girl. “NO! It’s actually more than enough!” snapped the boy, offended that someone would dare to question his “engineering ingenuity” – “Such an egghead! You are way too young. Can’t you see! When you fart, dust riles up!“ I laughed, not having the slightest idea that this would only be the beginning of a series of spicy comparisons that characterize the good natures of the local population. Till the next evening, as we headed to the restaurant of the complex, I had already filled 4 pages of my new 2020 notebook with blossoming comparisons and idioms: “Chatty as a camp bird”, “As sleazy as an used frying pan ", ”As lucky as a live turkey after Thanksgiving”, “Thin as a stick”, “About as useful as a chocolate teapot”, “ As attractive as a moth to a flame”, “Have a finger in every pie”, „Benignant as ointment on a wound!”. “Don’t get your hair cut by a bald barber”, “When pigs fly” and many others. Honestly, I was amazed at how far the richness of language extends, and above all, the humor and imagination of human beings. We sat down to dinner. After two days of continuous tasting I felt as if the glass would literally overflow at any moment. "How about we cheat on the wine tonight?" I proposed with a small grin to my friend, but the old lady who took our order was faster than him: “What is that now?! YOU DON’T WANT TO DRINK! Then why did you come here in the first place?! GIRL, GIRL! Listen and remember from me - breakfast without wine is like a flower without a pot - it will survive, lunch without wine is like a child without whims – there are such children, but dinner without wine is like... AN ASS WITHOUT CRACK! Nothing will come out of it!" I lost my tongue! But the woman was right! As for the comparison- it may be a little indecent, but it came first in my notebook! After all - the world lasts because it laughs! :)