The universal miracles don’t exist

by sayali Bahar (Azerbaijan)

I didn't expect to find USA

The universal miracles don’t exist SAYALI BAHAR LOS ANGELES, 2017-2018 Me, a girl from the small Caucasian republic of Azerbaijan, sits on the patio of an apartment in North Hollywood under a withering Californian sun and speak to my aunt who is in Istanbul. No one around me understands Russian, and I absolutely do not understand what I should do. I feel bad. I’ve been here for several months, and every morning, waking up, going to the shower, trying to wash away the pain, and asking myself the question: “Why did God leave me?” I had no choice but to accept the circumstances. My auntie suggested moving to Istanbul for a while if I do not want to return to Baku, my hometown. -But he ?! I want to help him! - I am absolutely sincere. “Sayechka,” my aunt told me then in a tired voice, sighing, only two words. – You must help yourself. Her words were like the cold shower, which I took every morning in the hope of cleansing myself from pain and finding a solution. I woke up for a moment. In all the chaos, I forgot who I am, what I want, what I love, and what I need.. I arrived at LAX airport on Christmas Eve, December 23, 2016 to my boyfriend, a film school student. I came alone to the ends of the world, because it seemed to me that I was burning with love. But what I found through all this pain and loneliness were much more precious than a happy relationship. I found what I did not expect. I had a return ticket on January 23, 2017. I did not know that for the first time in my life I did not use a return ticket. A few days after that, the boyfriend made me an offer. And it seemed to me that that was it ... I announced that I was engaged and wore a ring on a chain, like Carrie Bradshaw and Blair Walderf. Almost a month after our engagement, problems began. He cheats on me. Money problems. Problems with relatives. Depressions and addictions. Fights between us. ...Alice in Wonderland - I had no idea it is about me up to that moment. A girl who was bored and decided from her beautiful life to jump into the abyss. I stepped into the unknown, to my dark side, fell to the bottom. I met my dark side - a woman who was dependent on a man, a person who was dissatisfied with herself. I went to Wonderland - because L.A., where movie stars and the eternal sun live, is a wonderland today. And I did absolutely nothing like Alice. She lived, talked with the inhabitants of Wonderland, tried to be polite despite their insanity. I tried to peer at each feature of new acquaintances, every detail of what was happening, as if I had dived into the very depths of myself. Although everything that was happening was so unfamiliar and alien, it was mine. My story. ... With Alice, there was an episode where fairy-tale characters run into her, she tells them that they are an illusion, and everything breaks up. In a new country, I wanted this “A whole New World”. A life with no problems. Gossip, condemnation, some personal situations with family and friends, which caused me a lot of pain. We often think this way. “I’ll leave it all one day.” There is such an illusion that somewhere there is something that awaits us, and we need to go and find this treasure in order to become happy. Universal miracles do not exist, each has their own miracle, and mine is myself. A year full of conflicts with people of different races, nationalities, income levels. Everything was mixed in my deck by competent universal scriptwriters - in order to finally understand that you need to change yourself, and how I see people is an illusion. My fairytale ended just like Alice’s did - when she realized that all the characters in her fairytale were just an illusion, and everything was scattered. I did not expect to, but I found myself.