Those Few Minutes

by Veronica Boh (Malaysia)

A leap into the unknown Mexico

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As I adjusted the snorkelling fins, Johnny, the tour guide, asked if I was ready for the adventure. I shook my head, fully convinced that I was going to mess up and we would have to turn back within 20 minutes. Johnny laughed and told me that I was going to be just fine and that to jump into the water. After he taught me how to put on the snorkelling mask, I lowered my head into the seawater and was immediately greeted by a school of grey fishes with googly eyes just inches away from my face. I jumped up from the shock, now slightly regretting about my decision to go on this snorkelling tour. See, I didn’t think I had a fear of fishes swimming around me. As we swam out away from the other tourists who were snorkelling in the reef closer to shore, I could hear my own breathing loud and clear. I was aware of how quickly I was breathing and suddenly I realized: I was also afraid of swimming. Sure, I could stay afloat and yes, I could move about I wanted to in a body of water- but can I really call that swimming? What if I run out of energy and couldn’t swim any longer? I was absolutely certain that I was afraid of drowning. Then, I realized I didn’t quite know how to keep the mouthpiece in my mouth and stop the water from getting in and with that, another epiphany kicked in- do I even know how to breathe through my mouth for a long time? As you can see: with every inch I swam, my panic rose twice the amount. I thought to myself that I will feel better once we reached the coral reefs. Every new experience can be metaphorized as riding a rollercoaster- the scariest part is when you’re slowly ascending to the peak. I was wrong. After one look at the slow yet constant movement of sea life beneath me, I began to hyperventilate even faster. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what I was afraid of, but it was as if each fear I had discovered en route had materialized to play a game of tag with me. In the midst of the panic, I forgot to breathe through my mouth and as I clumsily flailed my arms about to get my head afloat, real horror stuck when I realized I had backed into a reef. Luckily, Johnny was right beside me and witnessed that 10 seconds- which felt much longer in that moment- of helplessness and struggle. He pulled me to where I could stand and reset myself. He helped me catch my breath and taught me how to bite onto the mouthpiece and reassured me that I can indeed do this. The thing is, there had been more times than I cared to admit where I have allowed fear to override my determination and my curiosity. I knew that I can swim and that breathing through my mouth is an innate skill but because it was something stranger, I began to crumble under the weight of self-doubt. As I stood just inches away from a whole new world I have yet to observe, I thought of how I hadn’t successfully learnt to cycle and surf and it became instantly clear to me that I can’t let that dictate my life any longer. Without allowing myself time to argue against that, I told Johnny I was ready and hand in hand, we went back in. Fear still taunted me in the back of my mind but slowly, it was replaced by awe as I become hypnotized by the unobstructed beauty of the underwater world. I watched as fish swam about their carefree life and I gazed as plants swayed along on the sea bed. Soon enough, I was able to swim without Johnny’s guidance. As I swam alone, I finally learnt what movies meant when they said: “time stopped”. In that moment, I felt nothing- I just kept on swimming and watching. There were no regrets, no worries, no fears, and no doubt. There was only me- someone who overcame her biggest hurdle in life- herself.