What if you find what you were looking for?

by Claudia Ploner (Austria)

I didn't expect to find Indonesia

I grew up in this small town. And I grew to hate it. I hated the main street with all its touristy shops and the people that came here to talk about nothing but the beauty of the snowy mountains and the historic houses that tell stories of all the people walking these narrow streets before our time. They were probably right to rave about it like that, but I´d started to blame this city for everything that was wrong with me and my life. I went from therapist to therapist without things ever getting better. I came to terms with the fact that my body just wasn´t built to feel happiness. Ever. I finished school and booked a flight to indonesia. I´d never been so scared in my entire life. The first days I didn´t leave my room, I was so overwhelmed by everything. After another sleepless night I took my things and travelled to a town I´d dreamt about for a really long time. Just arriving there gave me more confidence than anything had ever done before. I started talking to this girl with the pretty tattoos and the shiny hair. A guy came up to us and sold us tickets. We had no clue for what we just went for it. The same night a taxi picked us up from our hostel. We drove through rice patties deeper and deeper into the countryside. Just as we got to our destination the sun went down. I wanted to bow before the colors that filled the sky and made it seem like you were looking through the lense of an old filmcamera. We walked through a beautiful garden together with the most beautiful people I had ever seen. And then there was a wooden island in the midst of a flooded rice patty. Music was playing and people just walked up and danced around the fire that they put up in the middle. At first I didn´t know how to move, just felt awkward. I started to stare into the fire and everything became one: The flames and the people moving without questioning it. And suddenly I started to feel my body pumping blood, breathing, dancing. I felt as if I´d worn a shell over my skin all my life and it was crumbling down in this exact moment. It seemed as if everyone around me could see me for who I am just through my dancing. I´ve always wanted to be the girl dancing alone without caring about it but I never knew how. Until that night on the other side of the world. I realised I could be anything and anyone because I carry the world within the universe of my soul.