Wine and Wickets

by John Bizzell (United Kingdom (Great Britain))

Making a local connection Australia

Maybe I wasn’t the only person in Sydney who didn’t care about the Ashes, but I was definitely the only one held captive in the back of Jeff’s Holden Captiva. Until we picked up Ping-Ping. She clambered in between me and Barry from Barnet, whom I had met at the first pick-up location along with the other three Barries in the back, thankfully interrupting their cricket conversation. “Ni hao Ping-Ping,” said Jeff, our worldly guide. “We’ve got a three hour drive out to the Hunter Valley today, but it’ll be worth it. We’ll be tasting twenty great local wines and cheeses. Do you like cheese?” In response Ping-Ping lifted an enormous camera and snapped Jeff’s bemused face. Ping-Ping’s English conversation was limited, but through a mixture of Google image searches and an absolute determination to avoid the Barries’ chronological discussion of Ian Botham’s accomplishments, I discovered that she was a student from Guangzhou and had never tasted wine before. She was also either deathly allergic to dairy or pregnant by an enchanted cow. Around 10am, or 1974 on the cricket timeline (the year “Beefy took a bouncer from Andy Roberts straight in the mouth,” according to a Barry), Lisa the vintner welcomed us to Capercaillie. Lisa presented us with a row of bottles and told us to find our ‘verandah wine,’ the one that you like so much you just want to sit on a verandah and drink it all night. After the seventh glass, a sparkling shiraz, I’d decided that Verandah Wine was my new drag name, Barry from Barnet revealed that he hadn’t had Chardonnay since the Jubilee Test because it gave his wife heartburn and Ping-Ping was taking pictures with her lens cap on. Jeff drove us on to Mistletoe Vineyard, where Cassandra finished her six-wine selection with a fortified petite muscat. “This is good to drink any time from now till around 2027,” she said. “Does that mean we need to finish it by 8.30?” I asked, wasting my hilarity on the Barries who were bowling Ping-Ping towards the spittoon and Barry from Barnet who was ignoring his wife’s text messages. Lunch at the Matilda Bay Brewhouse came with four full glasses of Gerwürztraminer as we passed around the photo of the semi-erect penis that Ian Botham accidentally tweeted out a few years ago. I taught Ping-Ping the term ‘lob on.’ “He apologised!” insisted Barry from Barnet. “His wife forgave him! You’d forgive him wouldn’t you, Ping-Ping? My wife wouldn’t.” Jeff tried to hustle us to the cheese tasting, but we’d all broken the seal and we had to stop for various Barries to wee in various bushes. “You need to be careful,” Jeff told Barry from Barnet, “the urine can attract wild animals.” “A crocodile will bite your Beefy lob on.” said Ping-Ping, as Barry from Barnett fiddled with her shutter release. The guy who did the cheese tasting – I’ve forgotten his name as by that point in the day I’d forgotten my own – did his best but the cork was already out of the bottle. The Barries were teaching me some filthy lyrics to the Test Match Special theme and Ping-Ping was licking artisanally-marinated feta out of Barry from Barnet’s hand. Back in the Captiva Ping-Ping started to clutch her stomach and heave. “Is it the cheese?” I asked. “Should you not have eaten the cheese?” “No cheese!” She frantically shook her head. “Feta!” “Yes cheese,” I said. “Feta is cheese. Barry from Barnet gave you feta… from Tasmania!” Apparently you don’t watch 30 years of test cricket without knowing when somebody is about to go all out. The cooler from the back of the Captiva was thrust onto Ping-Ping’s lap and she hurled twenty local wines and a small amount of Tasmanian feta into it. We drove back to Sydney in silence. *** John booked his tour with Hunter Valley Wine Tasting Tours. Jeff’s services are available on request. England lost the Ashes. Barry returned to Barnet and his wife. Ping-Ping now travels with a note advising people not to get her wet or feed her after midnight. Ian Botham received a knighthood in 2007 and now focusses on commentating and charity work.